Why Heavenly Father?

I know this is a question that many people ask - but it's been playing on my mind a lot lately........

I have a 95 year old Grandad, who takes a cocktail of pills every morning, who can barely feed himself and keep it down before he's exhausted and needing to go back to bed.  He sleeps most of his days away, is only awake long enough to eat pretty much.  His doctor says there isn't any more they can do for him and at his age that makes perfect sense.  He's been slowing down for some years now but this last year in particular has seen him deteriorate even more.  There have been many times where we have thought "this is it", he won't see the week or weekend out.  We really didn't think he'd make it to Christmas last year but like the fighter he is - he did!  He continues to surprise us all the time.

The hardest part for me is that he's in NZ & I'm here.  I know he feels like a burden on my Nana & my Aunty K (of course he isn't - he could never be) but I would love to be able to be there to give them the break they need sometimes too.  How grateful I am to both of them, especially my Aunty K (she is so very dear to my heart - a best friend) for taking on his care. Living in a small town, with all other family members too far away to give him the daily care Grandad needs can be hard especially when trying to hold down a job & husband at the same time - but she does it not just because there is no-one else or he's her Dad but because she loves him & he means so much to her.  I just wish I could help.  I was able to visit last year for a few days, it had been 5 years since I'd been back to see him & my Nana......his obvious deterioration since that last visit 5 years ago to now reduced me to tears many times during my visit.  I spent my last night there in the hospital with him, by his side - something I'll cherish forever.  It was my chance to say goodbye, which was so hard & truthfully something I'm still struggling to cope with.

I like to think Grandad and I have a special bond - one that feels a little more special than most grandchildren may have with their grandparents.  Not that I have anything or anyone to compare it with - it's more just a feeling. Nothing has ever been said, those that know my Grandad know he is a man of very few words - it's just he holds a special place in my heart & I know I do in his.  I call him "happy chappy"! 

But as you can imagine he doesn't feel so happy these days.  How could he? He gets up, he often needs help to the toilet, he takes his pills, he eats (and we all hope he keeps it down) & then he's back in bed, too exhausted to do anything else.  This is his day most days of the week.  What kind of quality of life is that?

I don't understand & I guess I never will.  Small babies are taken - some before they are even born.  Very young children are stricken with disease, cancer, suffering or taken suddenly & die.  Young mothers and fathers die leaving young families and spouses behind.  Good people are taken suddenly, their lives it would seem cut too short.  Why? Why? Why?

Here is a man who has said on many occasions he just wants to die and as much as that breaks my heart, what kind of quality of life does he have in his current state? Why does Heavenly Father not take him home? He has lived a long and good life.  He is a good good man, as good as they get. Is it not time? If it isn't then why isn't it? Is there something he has yet to do? How can he? He can barely stay awake.  

My Grandad loved to potter in the garden, some of my fondest memories are of him doing just that.  There is no garden.  He doesn't have the energy & hasn't for some time.  What I wouldn't give to see him full of energy, pottering about in his garden again.  I'd like to think that when he does go - his days will be spent in heaven doing just that.

I pray almost every day that Heavenly Father will take him home, ease his suffering & give him his garden back.  Is He listening?

Grandad will be 96 this month.  Will he see his 96th birthday?

I love you Grandad, always & forever my "Happy Chappy" xx

My Grandad & Nana

 Grandad & I from my visit last year

A

Me & Aunty K - she's so gorgeous!

Avoiding the "boom"

This morning I'm telling a friend of mine how it's 'that time of the month' or my 'platypus' as she likes to call it (don't ask) & how I can be all over the place because of my condition PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  

For those of you who don't know, in a 'nutshell' PCOS is a condition whereby a woman produces multiple follicles but one never gets big enough to 'ovulate' & therefore periods become erratic or non-existent. PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in about 5-10% of women of productive age (12-45yrs) because we all know, or at least most women will know, that if you don't ovulate you can't get pregnant.  If ovulation is 'all over the place' your periods are all over the place & it's therefore hard to pinpoint the most optimum time to get pregnant.  PCOS is often misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all because they used to attribute it (and probably still do) to obese women - and while it is more common in obese women it's not exclusive to this category.  I was certainly carrying around, at the time, some excess weight (let's face it marriage does that to you) but was by no means obese.  Never have been.  Acne & even excess hair are some common symptoms (apparently we carry more testosterone than is common for a female haha) - of which both I would say I've had some trouble with throughout my lifetime but not significantly so.

For me, I wasn't diagnosed with this condition until 3 years into trying to get pregnant.  Conventional medicine required me to go on a specialised contraceptive pill (which was crazy since I was trying to get pregnant not stop it, needless to say that treatment didn't last long), fertility drugs, temperature charts & even 2 rounds of IVF.  All failed dismally.  Almost 2 years after diagnosis, lots of tears & heartache and lots of dollars later, we had pretty much given up on being able to fall pregnant & I decided to go on a health kick.  I joined a gym, started working out vigorously, became a gym junkie & lost stacks of weight.  I managed to get my weight down to 55kg's & was feeling great.  I changed jobs and 5 months into that job a miracle happened - I found out I was pregnant - no drugs, it just happened.  

Now, I didn't realise at the time that it was because I'd lost weight I'd fallen pregnant. I wasn't 'obese' so therefore losing weight wasn't a requirement and therefore according to the facts, in my mind & I suppose my doctor's mind not really the issue for me.  I decided to lose weight because I wasn't happy with the way I looked & I needed something else to take my mind off not being able to fall pregnant by doing something for me.  Who knew it would result in me getting knocked up!  Haha.

After Mitchell was born (we call him our miracle baby) the weight seemed to fall off pretty easily and I was down to 59/60kg's in no time.  I'm pretty sure it came off so easily because I wasn't eating very well, if at all & Mitchell was literally sucking me dry!  Mitchell was 10months old & I felt ready for another so we started trying again - it took us just under 2 months to fall pregnant with Jackson.  It was then I realised the common denominator - both times I had fallen pregnant I was 'active', fit & healthy and my weight was 60kg's or less.  My period's became 'normal' or at least regular.  I was almost 100% sure this was the reason I fell pregnant the first time and it would seem the second time.

60kg's for my height and build is slightly underweight believe it or not, I feel fantastic but go to any dietitian who doesn't know about my condition & they'll tell you I need to put on a few more kg's or at the very least not lose anymore.  But, I know for myself that unless I'm at least 60kg's or less I don't have a regular period.....I've discussed this at length with my doctor and even she is convinced that the evidence is certainly compelling.

3rd time round I wouldn't exactly say we were trying but we weren't exactly completely against having another either.  It wasn't my motivation for losing weight however, I was losing weight because I'd allowed it to creep on a bit & this was wrecking havoc with my periods again so I knew it was time to shed a few to get me back into a normal pattern & then shortly after 'boom'!  Hello Kobe!!

So why the title "avoiding the boom"..........well, I was explaining to my friend how when I get my weight down, which by the way is super hard! PCOS, mucks around with your metabolism as well on top of everything else, so losing weight & keeping it at a manageable level is a constant struggle.  I know, I know.  For those of you who've seen me and know me you wouldn't know it but trust me it is a battle & even requires me to sometimes take extremes.  

So anyway, I was explaining how when my weight is down I get pregnant.  We were texting (surprise surprise I hear you all say) and I said something like "...if I keep my weight down to 60kg's and below it balances me out. Was why I got pregnant at first.  I became a gym junkie, lost a stack of weight and 'BOOM' - preggers.  Did that for other 2 also and 'BOOM' - preggers again." Then I said.....

"Have to be super careful now though cause don't want the 'BOOM' this time!" Heehee.  

Yep, I thought I was pretty funny! Hmmmmmm, doesn't seem so funny now though - hahahahaha.  Kinda lost it's funniness in all the explaining I had to do to get to this point.  Oh well!

In any case, my weight is down to 59kg's most days - and I say most days because it is, like I said a daily, ongoing battle to keep it there.  I can sometimes fluctuate up or down as much as 400 - 600g in a day.....that's about 1/2 a kilo. So at the moment, things are manageable & regular but we're done having babies & since I'm not on any contraception (pill wise), trying to avoid the 'BOOM' isn't always easy unless I play the 'abstinence' card but I think someone would be very upset with that one.  

Haha - oh well.......off for the 'snip' then honey?????!!! ;)

 Our little 'miracle'

22days!!!

Eeeeeeeeeeeek! 22 days??? Really?

3 weeks Friday we head off on the adventure of a lifetime.  Ok, maybe not of a lifetime but for us who have never been anywhere further than NZ (let's be 'frank' - we can't really call that an overseas holiday can we?) or Tasmania - WE ARE SERIOUSLY GETTING EXCITED!!

It's all Mitchell can talk about.

The boys passports arrived Monday which was a relief & added to our excitement.  Only had to take their picture once and it was good enough thankfully - Kobe's was a little harder to get but since he doesn't like to smile & loves a donut, he was easily bribed!

I cleaned out Kobe's wardrobe today - one because it really needed doing but two because I needed to check on his wardrobe situation.  Namely his winter wardrobe which thanks to wonderful friends with older boys (and a fantastic fashion sense) - is pretty intact! Just need to purchase some warm pj's and I think he's set. 

We want to go to Snowbird whilst in Utah but there is the issue of no snow gear.  We probably won't necessarily ski, although I'd love to snowboard but taking the kids to see snow is high on our list of priorities and we don't want to get too wet.  Suggestions?  I wonder if we can hire.......

In any case, it's game on & get organised with lists of what to pack and more importantly leave room for the copious amounts of shoes I'm bound to bring home :)

Scary and exciting all at once - I hope the plane ride is ok!

Bedtime Rituals

So we have this thing we do when putting the boys to bed...... after the brushing of teeth & toilet stops & bedtime stories but just before prayer we ask them what their favorite thing about the day was.

It's kind of our way of keeping up with the "happenings" of their lives.  They give us their favorite thing and then thank HF for it in their prayers.  No biggy but it's become somewhat of a nightly ritual & one that I've come to really enjoy.

Being boys they tend to be pretty light on the details of 'stuff' but occasionally they surprise me.

Kobe at this stage is too young but I look forward to what he might have to say - if he could he'd probably say "playing with his Nana" which he's been able to do on a daily basis since she and Dad are staying with us and have been for the past 3 months or so now.

So the usual is 'playing with my friends' or 'fun I had at school' etc etc.  But lately, neither have been on Mitchell's list.  He's had some struggles friendship wise at school.  Friends that were his friends, and had been for over a year - no longer wanted to include him or play with him anymore.  This confused him - as it does, so going to school hasn't exactly been a pleasant experience for him.  There's been a little bit of running away from him & even pushing him and telling him to back off - which upsets me.  Actually it breaks my heart to see him so confused and not really being able to explain to him why the sudden change in his so-called friends.

However, on a positive note.....he decided - only after me telling him a couple of times to find someone else to play with - which he responded with "but nobody else will play with me, I don't have any other friends".  Now that's a heart string tugger if ever I heard one!  Anyway, as I was saying....on a positive note: tonight he came out with "finding new friends, that were old friends that I forgot about, to play with".  Turns out, he's been playing with a couple of friends he had in Grade 1 & having loads of fun.  They're both on his level academically wise & I imagine this is a major contributor to him losing his other friends but I also like to think he's actually taken on board my advice & listened for a change.  

Mitchell's a bit of a 'know-it-all' at the best of times but doesn't think I've got too much life experience I guess & would rather believe his teacher than me especially in regards to homework! Haha.  I guess you could call it stubbornness.....hmmmmm wonder where he gets that from? LOL

In any case - I'm over the moon about it & hoping that it continues.  He's happier too and much chattier which is a nice change.

Incidentally, Jackson's tonight was......"my best thing was the rain - cause we didn't have to do as much work today".  Bahahahaha............that's my Jax! xx

:)

It's me!

Hi!! 

Finally I'm making my first entry.....first thing you have to know about me is I'm a BIT of a perfectionist with an eye for detail. So after much research (and I'm not kidding) on an appropriate heading, backgrounds, banners, layouts & "blinkies" (sooooo cute) and some chopping & changing and loads of playing..........

HERE I AM!!

So what do you think? Haha! I know maybe not much but I hope to improve on that with time and much more practice.

So I've been inspired to start a blog - why? Well, mostly because my friends (I hope I can call them that) have inspired me I guess.  The stories they've written, glimpses in to how they're feeling, their opinions, fears & just general dislikes and likes just made me think "I want to do that"! There's only so much you can share on facebook without feeling like a complete & utter fool & also there just isn't enough room for all I'd like to say.  It's limiting! Trust me - there's a whole lot going on up "in here" (picture me pointing to my brain right now) that it'd be nice sometimes just to let it out!

It's sometimes hard to makes sense of all that's going on around me but also in my head & let's face it - we aren't always going to agree with eachother but I like having a blog that's mine for me to express my opinion & know that whoever is following will have an opinion about that & in the process help me out & hopefully make sense of it. Kind of like 'you scratch my back & I'll scratch yours' sort of, maybe yes? Haha! See I told you! It's a mumbo jumbo in there (once again pointing to my head).

Well in any case.....I hope you'll enjoy!  Crying child - must go.  More later xx

My three little monkeys! Must update....Kobe wasn't even 1 here :P