I know this is a question that many people ask - but it's been playing on my mind a lot lately........
I have a 95 year old Grandad, who takes a cocktail of pills every morning, who can barely feed himself and keep it down before he's exhausted and needing to go back to bed. He sleeps most of his days away, is only awake long enough to eat pretty much. His doctor says there isn't any more they can do for him and at his age that makes perfect sense. He's been slowing down for some years now but this last year in particular has seen him deteriorate even more. There have been many times where we have thought "this is it", he won't see the week or weekend out. We really didn't think he'd make it to Christmas last year but like the fighter he is - he did! He continues to surprise us all the time.
The hardest part for me is that he's in NZ & I'm here. I know he feels like a burden on my Nana & my Aunty K (of course he isn't - he could never be) but I would love to be able to be there to give them the break they need sometimes too. How grateful I am to both of them, especially my Aunty K (she is so very dear to my heart - a best friend) for taking on his care. Living in a small town, with all other family members too far away to give him the daily care Grandad needs can be hard especially when trying to hold down a job & husband at the same time - but she does it not just because there is no-one else or he's her Dad but because she loves him & he means so much to her. I just wish I could help. I was able to visit last year for a few days, it had been 5 years since I'd been back to see him & my Nana......his obvious deterioration since that last visit 5 years ago to now reduced me to tears many times during my visit. I spent my last night there in the hospital with him, by his side - something I'll cherish forever. It was my chance to say goodbye, which was so hard & truthfully something I'm still struggling to cope with.
I like to think Grandad and I have a special bond - one that feels a little more special than most grandchildren may have with their grandparents. Not that I have anything or anyone to compare it with - it's more just a feeling. Nothing has ever been said, those that know my Grandad know he is a man of very few words - it's just he holds a special place in my heart & I know I do in his. I call him "happy chappy"!
But as you can imagine he doesn't feel so happy these days. How could he? He gets up, he often needs help to the toilet, he takes his pills, he eats (and we all hope he keeps it down) & then he's back in bed, too exhausted to do anything else. This is his day most days of the week. What kind of quality of life is that?
I don't understand & I guess I never will. Small babies are taken - some before they are even born. Very young children are stricken with disease, cancer, suffering or taken suddenly & die. Young mothers and fathers die leaving young families and spouses behind. Good people are taken suddenly, their lives it would seem cut too short. Why? Why? Why?
Here is a man who has said on many occasions he just wants to die and as much as that breaks my heart, what kind of quality of life does he have in his current state? Why does Heavenly Father not take him home? He has lived a long and good life. He is a good good man, as good as they get. Is it not time? If it isn't then why isn't it? Is there something he has yet to do? How can he? He can barely stay awake.
My Grandad loved to potter in the garden, some of my fondest memories are of him doing just that. There is no garden. He doesn't have the energy & hasn't for some time. What I wouldn't give to see him full of energy, pottering about in his garden again. I'd like to think that when he does go - his days will be spent in heaven doing just that.
I pray almost every day that Heavenly Father will take him home, ease his suffering & give him his garden back. Is He listening?
Grandad will be 96 this month. Will he see his 96th birthday?
I love you Grandad, always & forever my "Happy Chappy" xx
My Grandad & Nana
Grandad & I from my visit last year
Me & Aunty K - she's so gorgeous!
Although I have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation, it is something that I struggle HUGELY with. I know it's true, I know it's purpose, and I love it's purpose. It's a flawless plan. But death is something that I don't cope with. So I often ask the same questions you are asking. I guess my response isn't one of comfort or to answer your question, but more to let you know I know what you mean. It sucks. Maybe one day we'll understand and we'll be OK with it.
ReplyDeleteOh that almost made me cry. Reading this at work means I have to hold it back.
ReplyDeleteI think at some stage we all ask 'why Heavenly Father why' about different things, and sadly sometimes our questions do seem to be left unanswered. My Grandma died a couple of years ago when she was 95 and my family felt similar to you....'why is she still here and what is her quality of life'? She couldn't remember who we were and spent all day in bed. On one of her VERY rare days when she remembered some of her family she said to her daughter (who she was very close with and who took care of her for a LONG time) "I had the chance to go home last night but I chose to stay because I didn't think you were ready".....whenever we would talk about 'why she was still here my dad would remind us of this. And when the time came that she did go home, everyone was ready and her funeral was a wonderful celebration of a woman who dedicated her life to Heavenly Father, her family and all that was good!
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew the answers to the 'why Heavenly Father' questions.....
Lots of love to you and your family!!
xo